Black shroud,
Ripped apart by opiate razor blade,
Pain advances and death retreats,
As life is on display.
Black shroud, Ripped apart by opiate razor blade, Pain advances and death retreats, As life is on display. |
Author's Comments
Just a short one that probably reads like it wants to be a haiku. I'm also trying to do some visual poetry at the moment (when I have time, at least). Suggestions, anyone?
Thanks to  for the stock. Comments
 Prettyy <3
-- Once we'll be together, face to face, in a place without time and space <3  Oh wow. <3 I like it. =]
-- You can only know how to love once you have learned to love yourself  I like the slight rhyme between blade and display. I also like the simple description you have going on.
Nicely done.   I like the darkness of this piece, fitting well with the picture you provided.
The only thing I noticed was a possible missing pronoun before "opiate", as it reads slightly funny without the "an" there. --  Words are my paint, and the pen is my brush~ *getLIT ~*WordCount ~ *Adopt-A-Writer ~ *Writers-Workshop ~ Thanks for the comment. Also thanks for pointing that out as, I've just realised I didn't use any articles in this poem. Maybe that's why it sounds a bit haiku-ish (I don't think there are any articles e.g. 'the' or 'and' in the Japanese language but I could be wrong). Mystery solved, lol. Er...as for putting a word before 'opiate', I don't know really. I think that line might be too long as it is. What do you think?
--  Charity is not Enough Challenge the Root-  causes of Poverty World Development Movement Thanks. I'm not sure I realised about that rhyme when I was writing it. I'm not sure that the three consecutive 'ay' sounds of 'razor', 'blade' and '
 ain' were intentional either. Think they just kind of happened. Maybe I was on auto-rhyme for this, or something, lol.-- Charity is not Enough Challenge the Root- causes of Poverty World Development Movement Interesting interpretation, lol.
-- Charity is not Enough Challenge the Root- causes of Poverty World Development Movement It won't foil the flow of the poem or the length of the line. Its a two letter word
 -- Words are my paint, and the pen is my brush~ *getLIT ~*WordCount ~ *Adopt-A-Writer ~ *Writers-Workshop ~ |
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