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Black shroud,
Ripped apart by opiate razor blade,
Pain advances and death retreats,
As life is on display.
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Submitted: December 8, 2007
File Size: 215 bytes
Image Size: 14.1 KB
Resolution: 300×213
Comments: 22
Favourites & Collections: 2 [who?]

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Author's Comments

Just a short one that probably reads like it wants to be a haiku. I'm also trying to do some visual poetry at the moment (when I have time, at least). Suggestions, anyone?
Thanks to :icondstrangestdream: for the stock.
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Prettyy <3

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Once we'll be together, face to face, in a place without time and space <3
Oh wow. <3 I like it. =]

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You can only know how to love once you have learned to love yourself
I like the slight rhyme between blade and display. I also like the simple description you have going on.

Nicely done. :D
I like the darkness of this piece, fitting well with the picture you provided.

The only thing I noticed was a possible missing pronoun before "opiate", as it reads slightly funny without the "an" there.

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:heart:Words are my paint, and the pen is my brush:heart:

~ *getLIT ~*WordCount ~ *Adopt-A-Writer ~ *Writers-Workshop ~
Thanks for the comment. Also thanks for pointing that out as, I've just realised I didn't use any articles in this poem. Maybe that's why it sounds a bit haiku-ish (I don't think there are any articles e.g. 'the' or 'and' in the Japanese language but I could be wrong). Mystery solved, lol. Er...as for putting a word before 'opiate', I don't know really. I think that line might be too long as it is. What do you think?

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:star:Charity is not Enough:star:
:heart: Challenge the Root- :heart:
:dance:causes of Poverty:dance:
World Development Movement
Thanks. I'm not sure I realised about that rhyme when I was writing it. I'm not sure that the three consecutive 'ay' sounds of 'razor', 'blade' and ';pain' were intentional either. Think they just kind of happened. Maybe I was on auto-rhyme for this, or something, lol.

--
:star:Charity is not Enough:star:
:heart: Challenge the Root- :heart:
:dance:causes of Poverty:dance:
World Development Movement
Thank you :D

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:star:Charity is not Enough:star:
:heart: Challenge the Root- :heart:
:dance:causes of Poverty:dance:
World Development Movement
Interesting interpretation, lol.

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:star:Charity is not Enough:star:
:heart: Challenge the Root- :heart:
:dance:causes of Poverty:dance:
World Development Movement
It won't foil the flow of the poem or the length of the line. Its a two letter word :p

--
:heart:Words are my paint, and the pen is my brush:heart:

~ *getLIT ~*WordCount ~ *Adopt-A-Writer ~ *Writers-Workshop ~

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