Black shroud,
Ripped apart by opiate razor blade,
Pain advances and death retreats,
As life is on display.
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
Details
Submitted: December 8, 2007
File Size: 215 bytes
Image Size: 14.1 KB
Resolution: 300×213
Comments: 22
Favourites & Collections: 2 [who?]
Views
Total: 190
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Submitted: December 8, 2007
File Size: 215 bytes
Image Size: 14.1 KB
Resolution: 300×213
Comments: 22
Favourites & Collections: 2 [who?]
Views
Total: 190
Today: 0
Downloads
Total: 1
Today: 0
Thumb
Author's Comments
Just a short one that probably reads like it wants to be a haiku. I'm also trying to do some visual poetry at the moment (when I have time, at least). Suggestions, anyone?
Thanks to
for the stock.
Thanks to
for the stock. Devious Comments
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CommentsPrettyy <3
-- Once we'll be together, face to face, in a place without time and space <3 Oh wow. <3 I like it. =]
-- You can only know how to love once you have learned to love yourself I like the slight rhyme between blade and display. I also like the simple description you have going on.
Nicely done.  I like the darkness of this piece, fitting well with the picture you provided.
The only thing I noticed was a possible missing pronoun before "opiate", as it reads slightly funny without the "an" there. --  Words are my paint, and the pen is my brush~ *getLIT ~*WordCount ~ *Adopt-A-Writer ~ *Writers-Workshop ~ Thanks for the comment. Also thanks for pointing that out as, I've just realised I didn't use any articles in this poem. Maybe that's why it sounds a bit haiku-ish (I don't think there are any articles e.g. 'the' or 'and' in the Japanese language but I could be wrong). Mystery solved, lol. Er...as for putting a word before 'opiate', I don't know really. I think that line might be too long as it is. What do you think?
--  Charity is not Enough Challenge the Root-  causes of Poverty World Development Movement Thanks. I'm not sure I realised about that rhyme when I was writing it. I'm not sure that the three consecutive 'ay' sounds of 'razor', 'blade' and '
 ain' were intentional either. Think they just kind of happened. Maybe I was on auto-rhyme for this, or something, lol.-- Charity is not Enough Challenge the Root- causes of Poverty World Development Movement Interesting interpretation, lol.
-- Charity is not Enough Challenge the Root- causes of Poverty World Development Movement It won't foil the flow of the poem or the length of the line. Its a two letter word
 -- Words are my paint, and the pen is my brush~ *getLIT ~*WordCount ~ *Adopt-A-Writer ~ *Writers-Workshop ~ |
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