Dom Party Manifesto 2009

Greetings Comrades. This is a message from your Supreme Leader, Dom; pay close attention to my wise and learned counsel. It has been brought to my notice that, despite the stagnation of the major parties of the United Kingdom, and the poor state of our economy, we in the Dom Party are failing to turn this into profitable election results. This situation will not stand, Comrades and I aim to tackle the biggest underlying problems of our organisation. I have summed these up for your perusal;

1, We have no elected Members of Parliament, nor local councillors.
2, We have never stood for election for any office.
3, We have no money.
4, We only have one member- and he is currently wondering whether his time would be better spent making a cup of tea and curling up in bed with a Bill Bryson book.

While the money issue could be slightly improved if I could be bothered to go to the bank and get real money for the shoe-box full of loose change I possess, it is now that I intend to solve a fifth problem; namely the lack of a manifesto. When I ask the man in the street what the Dom Party means to him, he says "don't know" or "piss off" or he quickly crosses the road to get away from me while avoiding eye-contact. This situation is to change, Comrades, as I unveil the centrepiece of our long wait to get into power. It is with this document that we shall, at last, blow the dust from the complacent, self-serving cobweb of contemporary politics and charge with swords raised, butchering all our enemies into oblivion and paving the way for a glorious new dawn of revolution and enlightenment! Actually, I think I might put the kettle on, after all... Although I probably shouldn't be drinking caffeine at this time of night. I could always put some herbs into a tea strainer. Anyway, I digress...

Dom Party Manifesto 2009

Our national anthem is dated, imperialist and, frankly, quite dull. It is to be replaced with the Benny Hill theme music.

Anyone working in advertising/ marketing/ cold-calling etc. to be punished by being followed 24 hours a day by a group of people with annoying voices constantly singing "I know a song that will get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves...".

Roads that lead nowhere are to be built to confuse tourists.

Britain to launch its own manned space mission to Mars. Unfortunately, as we'll have to cut back funds on science, this will take the form of attempting to grow a really large tree. Should this be insufficient, we'll send up a ladder too.

Sheep have been deemed to be too dull. They are to be painted multiple colours so our countryside can look as if it's inhabited by flocks of giant Skittles.

People may legally burgle houses/ steal cars whose alarms go off incessantly for no good reason.

To avoid ideological stagnation, all important government decisions must be made by people heavily under the influence of alcohol/ high on drugs. A breathalyzer test will be required during cabinet meetings to enforce this rule.

Britain should be proud of its mythology and heritage. Therefore, I suggest we advance genetic engineering technology to restore dragons, werewolves, harpies, unicorns etc. to these shores.

All zoos are to release their animals. Partly because all animals have the right to live their lives free and out of captivity but mainly because the genetically modified dragons, werewolves etc. will need something to eat. Also, it would be pretty cool to see a herd of giraffes crossing the road in front of you.

All gossip columnists, home makeover TV presenters, inane boy-girl bands, celebrity judges, and Paris Hilton are to be conscripted to appear in a new reality TV show entitled 'Celebrity Get Abandoned on a Remote Desert Island, Starve to Death and Have Your Grotesque, Worthless, Egotistical Carcasses Picked Apart by Vultures and Maggots.' The title isn't too catchy but I predict it will get good viewing figures

In order to eradicate terrorism and warfare in the Middle East, we will hire out a remote area in the Gobi desert and invite all the violently extremist Muslims and neocon Christian warmongers to fight each other with swords. They'll have plenty of fun killing each other and leave the rest of us in peace.

Anyone caught using the phrases 'thinking outside the box', 'modernisation', 'blue sky thinking' or any other management gobbledegook will be shot on sight. I'm afraid we must act quickly and decisively if we're going to stamp this out.

In order to save the British pub, we will reintroduce smoking indoors.We will also introduce free Guinness, and legalise marijuana, and also criminalise night-club bouncers who get arsey with you for wearing the wrong sort of shoes. The 'free Guinness' policy may take up a lot of our budget, so we'll make cutbacks in other departments. Boring stuff like transport and street cleaning, for example.

In order to combat global warming without spending any money, for one hour a week, everyone is to get a newspaper or piece of card and use it to fan the sky cooler. We are confident that this will save the planet.

Fox-hunting to be reintroduced, but to make it less one-sided, we will spend a great deal of scientific research on training foxes in handling small-arms and being able to set up Viet Cong style booby-traps.

At the Dom Party, we realise that Britain is facing an obesity crisis. In order to combat this we will now classify chips as a vegetable that counts towards the recommended five-portions-a-day. 'Large Chips' will count as 2. We will also reclassify kebabs, chocolate and cigarettes as 'fruit'. I'm amazed no-one's thought of this before...

To cut down on useless expenses, we will stop funding the monarchy and take back their property. We can even make a profit on this by introducing an annual lottery to choose our new king and queen. The winners will be allowed to live in a castle, wear crowns and be rude to foreign diplomats.

Following our recent military adventures of questionable success, we will abandon our current military policy of doing whatever Washington tells us and have a new policy of declaring war against tiny countries that we can't possibly lose to. Today the Faroe Islands, tomorrow Liechtenstein!

To promote spirituality and diversity, Britain is to have a new official religion each month whose rules will be enshrined in law. One month you may be forbidden to eat pork, the next you may be required to sacrifice virgins to the Glorious Sun Goddess whilst performing an elaborate bellydance. Hours of fun!

In order to give Britain the edge in international diplomacy we will employ hypnotism. And blackmail...

To help reduce traffic, cut road maintenance costs  and reclaim much of our countryside, we will demolish all our motorways and replace them with long, overhead zip-lines. Our government will take no responsibility for accidents resulting from people flying off a zip-line at 300mph.

Now that you can see the true magnitude of our crusade, Comrade, I'm sure you are thinking like me; that a landslide victory is guaranteed once the British people get wind of this radical, earth-shattering manifesto. You are, of course, right; yet there is much to do in the meantime. We need organisation, we need funds, we need members, both at home and abroad. But most of all, Comrade, we need you to join and spread the good word of Dommunism to the masses. Pleeeeease...